Inner Muse - Unleashed

Of all the paths I have walked, the different lives I have lived and the number of times I feel as if I am starting over, the hardest thing I have ever had to do is be myself. And I have done some pretty difficult stuff over the years and come through it no problem.

Looking back at these patterns I am battling, I see where the problem is likely to lie. This may be true for a lot of people. Whenever I was myself or felt as if I was letting my guard down a little bit, the part of me that was peeking out into the world was shut up, shut down and bullied.

Of course over the years of this taking place (right up until the day I walked away from each of these relationships) a peculiar pattern developed with my behavior. I would either not be myself in what I wanted to say or do or I would simply walk away.

The strangest aspect of this is how it has manifested in my writing. 

I have kept quiet on so many things, doubted myself on even more and I don't know how many times I have given up. Only to get up again and find the strength to keep moving forward in some way and to keep writing. 

So, why is this coming up for me today, right now? What could possibly be raking this up to the surface - the only thing I can think of is that I am challenging myself to get out there - interact more and in a new way. 

This past week I have been giving myself permission to branch out with my writing, to talk about life, the mundane - far more then only a narrow slit through a nearly closed door. I want that door wide open, to write and write and write about everything.

Not new territory at all for me, however, to consistently be myself (say what I mean and not be shut down by someone else's opinion) as well as to put my own need to express myself on my agenda. I don't know if I am explaining this properly! LOL

For years, I have been writing. I have enough journals to fill many boxes. I have recorded every step of my journey over this past decade and have written about walking the spiritual path in my books. That is all I am about - but what about all the other things I have learned along the way?

Perhaps it is time to unleash my inner 'writer' and give her permission to speak, shout and write about anything that enters her head. 

How have you been holding back your inner muse? 

April